as we grow beautiful, as we grow beautiful

Each day we live, we grow.
we grow fond of someone. we grow apart.
we grow up and we grow out.

you start as this huge amazing light bottled into a fresh, unused shell of soft tissue and bone.
You only know how to shine.
then
you are taught.
you are taught to walk and speak.
you are taught the manner in which you express yourself.
you dim your light so you dont shine too brightly in others eyes.
they teach you that.
they teach you how to please them.
they teach you whats proper and whats not.
when to shine and
when to lie victim to the dark.
you become this thing.

you know,

this thing that we are.

trying to figure out whats right...
trying to find the light.
you got eyes seeking inspiration, failing to see that
you yourself are the inspire.

you are drawn to the light in the other things.
fireflies.
candles.
compassion and grace.
charm and charisma.
but somehow,
you don't notice your own light.
you don't recognize it.
the way you don't recognize your own smell.

one day, you might be siting in the dark
when you realize the darkness surrounds you.
that's it.
it surrounds you.
it isn't you.

suddenly you can see your own hand in your face.
your pupils adjust and your sixth sense kicks in.
epiphany.
you get it.
now
you're moving around in the dark,
pulling on the things you know, allow them to guide you
to the switch.
you get there and confidently flick the switch on.

you realize.

you get into a place in life when you get surrounded by darkness.
no.
let me be frank.
you are in a world of darkness.
the only light comes from the living.
each day we battle the dark. some are more easily won than others.
there are days where you will find yourself
backed into a corner with the darkness creeping in over and around you.
all the problems you are facing,

you are facing.

looking right at them.

by this time, your light is no more than a dwindling glow.
darkness surrounds you.
all hope seems lost and
right as you prepare to lay sacrifice to the dark,
you see this glow.
you see that sorry glow of yours and suddenly, hope glimmers.
you adjust your spiritual eye.
focus on what you know.
where you've found strength before.
you start pulling. you get to your feet and place your hands out.
you extend yourself. you call on faith.
you cant see where you are going; you cant see if your next step exists.
you step there anyway.

your faith is what moves you.

the propelling force.

you begin to remember where you are and you maneuver.
you maneuver your way back into the light you thought you lost.

The point is, you need to recognize your own light.
Your light will always lead you to the light.
other lights can see you and are drawn to you, you all join and shine brightly together,
repelling darkness in unimaginable ways.

get familiar with your light.

know that it shines when you smile and laugh.
when you surround yourself with lights shining beautifully.
when you shine your own way.
you shine when you love.
when you do what you love.
love is light and light is love.

God is love.

God is light.

Mothers day

Good morning Love Muffin. What a beautiful day! The sun is shining. There is music playing... "Guiding Light" by Tony Grey. I heard my Mommy's voice this morning. I heard Grandma's voice this morning. Debbie's voice. Zikia's voice. Brittney's voice. Raquel's. Dylan's. But not yours. Not yet. You stayed with your uncle last night to give me the morning off. Feels good. I miss you babe but I need my downtime. I am learning that mommies have to take care of themselves. We always put people in front of ourselves. I see it all the time. I don’t know a single selfish person that is a mom. They always give the last piece. They usually make compromises. They are hospitable and graceful. Hm, I’m going to read in my bible about mothers. I want to see how god feels about them. If he fashioned us to be a specific way. *"guy Lafleur' by Steve Khan"* philoteknos Greek word referencing mothers loving their children.. A special kind of 'mother love' I'd like to give a shout out to my kid. Without her, I wouldn’t be a mother. Without her, I wouldn’t even be here. God fashioned this amazing little creation... this amazing little creation... just for me. He designed her with such amazing depth and intricateness. He designed her to be the antidote to life. My remedy. He knows all my weaknesses. She draws them out of me. She builds me. The pressure strengthens me. He knows all the things I love. I find them all in her. All the hope I need. My life has been blessed every since she has been a part of it. Peace. You are the most amazing kid I know! Man. I know every mom must say that but dang girl! You got my heart. Thank you for being so patient with me. These past years have been so phenomenal. Talk about growth! I remember praying for God to enlarge my territory. I had nothing, Baby. Not a single thing. Not a job. Car. Place of my own. Not a love. Not a desire or a passion. Not a care. Not shit. Then, God gave me you! I asked Him for peace. My life freaking sucked and I was over it. I asked for peace and He gave me you. Peace. That’s why your name is Peace. Jaiden means God has heard. Peace Jaiden. I dreamed you up. Man. I really did. You are so perfect for me. I strive to be perfect for you. Realistically, I’ll never be anyone’s perfect. Or, maybe I am your perfect. I didn’t ever believe there could be anyone perfect for anyone else. After becoming your Mommy, I realized my mommy is the perfect mom for me and you are the perfect daughter for me. You are my flower. My beautiful, sweet, tender gift from Father. I admire your resilience and your grace. I bask in your radiance. For you shine like the sun. I watch you sleep. You look like what I would imagine an angel looks like. You light up my life Peace! I swear, my endorphins go nuts when I hear you laugh! Silliest little monkey I know! You give me life force every day. You are so mutable and fluid. As long as you're with Mommy. Never lose that babylove. Be flexible. Move when God says go. He'll bless you for your obedience. Be obedient despite our discomfort. See what kinds of things happen for you... then you become brave. You are electric! Your energy Peace, it is invigorating! I love your hair. I love your adorable smile. Your pretty little teeth and your broad little feet. I can’t name all the things I love about you. I love your free spirit. I love your freedom. I love your braveness. You inspire me to be brave. You keep my feet off the ground little one. You keep me floating. I love your wildness and your independence. I smile because I know you will always be alright, no matter what. I believe in you and in your future. You are a strong one. A special one. God made you different and made me your steward so I could raise you different. The vision he gave me of you... you wouldn’t believe me if I told you. It hard for me to believe the being you were created to be came from my womb. Me. You give me hope Pequina. And strength. And honor. I love your wild beauty. I love you. Thank you. Love, Momma.